Gone - flitted away,
taken the stars from the night and the sun
from the day!
Gone, and a cloud in my heart.
There is something not so right with me these days, incalculable times I tried to pen down my thoughts, but I found agonizingly , that thoughts which used to bother me, which used to act like silent killer in my brain, which used to be the feed for my soul, had been evaporated. What’s wrong with me, where are my mind boggling thoughts, where they have gone suddenly, I cursed myself, doubted myself and punished myself, thinking, that my potential of writing is suddenly being snatched from me. Even I questioned myself, what’s the mistake I have done, why these small reasons of contentment of mine and the space where I can find myself, where I can breathe peacefully has been seized from me ? The thoughts which used to bother me, which wanted to erupt out of my mind have left me alone. Why I cannot face myself these days?? Why there is a feeling of incompleteness surrounds me? There are thoughts but they are not bold enough to stimulate me for expressing myself, the thoughts are scattered. I fear this day of loneliness, my days of solitude never left me completely alone but now it seems ,I am struggling for my existence, as if I am grasping for my breath, as if my identity is weakening. Where are those unheard words which you have given me, where are those oaths which have made together? Where my heart will find a refuge when the world will be condemning me?
May be my journey towards certainty framing my mind in a way where I am leaving behind my vibrant thoughts which shaped me up as a human being. May be I am being selfish enough to deviate my path from yours, it’s not you, it’s me who is parting away from you. I have always mentioned, my existence is enough evidence of your presence. Though a soul can have various parts still they will be connected with a single chord forever, the parts can be scattered but they will be awakened by a single touch.
It’s the inefficiency as a writer that I cannot write for everyone, so I find a handful of readers, but writing comes from my heart, it’s the melody of my soul. How can I mold my soul to think something which I cannot think, how can I mutilate my soul and try to tune it in as any algebraic formulae? My heart listens to no one and when I ignore its call I create a disaster and when I listen to it then I write, then I sing then I walk along to the path of eternity. My apologies to those who think my articles are like burning whip, I cannot help but to execute myself if I were to transfigure my soul.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
A Question of a Life
"No one is too young for love, because love doesn't come from your mind, which knows your age, but from your heart, which knows no age.
I apologize to my handful of readers for not keeping my promise, in-fact; I would like to say I broke my promise. My last post was on 25th of June 2010 and today it’s 21st September 2010, i.e. almost two and half months, and I promised to myself and to my readers that my next blog would be posted soon, but I could not. But very typical of me not brooding over the situation and of course not sulking over it, I am planning to replenish my blog again. Writing is always a cherished experience for me. There is always a feeling of immense pleasure when I put down my thoughts on paper, and that is always irrespective of my mental state. Still, sometimes I feel that, I write better in my pensive mood, may be our pain brings out the real self from a human being; it makes you more connected to the universal energy, sorrow in life makes you more connected to your soul. I might be wrong here but my experience says so.
Our life is beautifully divided in different stages, and those different parts depict different sort of experiences. There are some unique joys and sorrows which are introduced us to these stages. As a child, breaking a pencil, spoiling a book or a toy makes a difference to us or simply a scolding from our parents. As we grow up and start going to schools, then we come across few more new people, who are going to play a vital role in our life. The rules, disciplines, exams, and the fun we experience in school and of course our friends in school, influence our lives. We make friends, and enjoy their company and laugh with them and cry when we fight with them as well. Now, at this stage, if I look back, I find those fights, those tears were negligible what we experience now. But, ten years down the lane, the pain we face now, the joy we treasure now would become low in intensity or value. The question can be asked here, why this happens to us. My opinion is it happens because we grow up. The more we know ourselves, the more we learn the secrets of life the more we grow up and these trivial incidents of life become immaterial to us.
May be the time and my age and also the experience I have accumulated till date, made me less reactive to certain social issues. In last one year, I have experienced two deaths of my close relatives who were globally and mentally, staying far from me. So, I did not find any specific reason to morn over it. People sum it up as my hard-heartedness or arrogance but I do not have the spare time convincing people around. There are very few incidents which are really able to stir my heart; it happens only if a person put some mark on my mind or so. I really can’t pretend my emotion for the society’s sake; it could be named as honesty or the haughtiness. Everyone is free to choose the best possible adjective for defining me; I am very much open to criticisms.
There are incidents which still affect me to greater extent. We all fall in love and face the certain ups and down of every relationship and that obviously takes a toll on us. As I inherit some or the other human qualities, I prefer to give my best effort to any of the relations, it could be the love-relationship or the daughter – parents or the siblings love. Each and every relation needs some amount of energy and time of our life. As we know, time and energy both are precious to us. We share love, or else I can say, we love a person for some certain qualities he/she inherits or portrays. The moments spend with them are unique so it cannot be shared or experienced with anyone else. But, life is not always a cake walk for us, we have to face the loss of some relations, we have to face the pain, the harsh reality, that the person, I used to love the most or who used be the world to me are no more with me. But, they say that life moves on, we really cannot sink into the darkness of negativity that is holding us back to take a step in our life, and there are some people who misinterpret moving on. Moving on doesn’t mean jumping from one relation to the other. The amount of time we spend in one relation, the love we experience for the person and the energy we spend for handling the hard times of any relation, needs to be replenished. Love is such a feeling which you cannot extort out from your mind and from your heart. You need to give yourself certain time to subdue the intense emotion, to pacify your soul and prepare yourself for anything new in your life. I have always bragged about my abilities to predict about certain situations in my closed circuit, one of my close friends, got married in a hurry to a person whom she did not love, that also after few failed relationships. In most of the cases I never divulge my own opinion but I told her to think over the matter. Her response was that she wanted to get married because she could not stay alone and of course, her parents were forcing her to get settled in life. May be after a year or half I met her again few days back, and I was not very surprised to know that she got divorced. At spur of the moment, I could not decide how to I react, should I acclaim myself for predicting her married life accurately or should I be upset for knowing the future of it. I am still in the delirium but after a consistent low feeling I have summarized that there is a pin-pricking in my heart, somewhere, somehow I am sighing for my poor friend.
There is no doubt that time would heal her wounds soon and she would be back to her feet again. I wish this incident would be an eye opener for some parents or some of my fellow friends that society cannot decide the time of marriage but only our hearts. We cannot pester a girl to that extent that she takes the most vital decision of her life in frenzy and spoils her life forever. Marriage is the bonding of two hearts not any business tender which has to be signed on some specific date and my hearty request to those people who feel that it’s good to conform to the situation, to think about the so called society rather than the future of the girl. The society which pressurizes the parents if their daughter is not marrying on time , and the parents who are succumbing to the society’s wish and want to get rid of the burden soon, what would be the reaction of them if their daughter doesn’t become happy in her married life? Who would take that responsibility? It’s my ardent request to all those parents who prioritize the society, over their daughter’s life, please do some soul search, and please open your eyes.
I apologize to my handful of readers for not keeping my promise, in-fact; I would like to say I broke my promise. My last post was on 25th of June 2010 and today it’s 21st September 2010, i.e. almost two and half months, and I promised to myself and to my readers that my next blog would be posted soon, but I could not. But very typical of me not brooding over the situation and of course not sulking over it, I am planning to replenish my blog again. Writing is always a cherished experience for me. There is always a feeling of immense pleasure when I put down my thoughts on paper, and that is always irrespective of my mental state. Still, sometimes I feel that, I write better in my pensive mood, may be our pain brings out the real self from a human being; it makes you more connected to the universal energy, sorrow in life makes you more connected to your soul. I might be wrong here but my experience says so.
Our life is beautifully divided in different stages, and those different parts depict different sort of experiences. There are some unique joys and sorrows which are introduced us to these stages. As a child, breaking a pencil, spoiling a book or a toy makes a difference to us or simply a scolding from our parents. As we grow up and start going to schools, then we come across few more new people, who are going to play a vital role in our life. The rules, disciplines, exams, and the fun we experience in school and of course our friends in school, influence our lives. We make friends, and enjoy their company and laugh with them and cry when we fight with them as well. Now, at this stage, if I look back, I find those fights, those tears were negligible what we experience now. But, ten years down the lane, the pain we face now, the joy we treasure now would become low in intensity or value. The question can be asked here, why this happens to us. My opinion is it happens because we grow up. The more we know ourselves, the more we learn the secrets of life the more we grow up and these trivial incidents of life become immaterial to us.
May be the time and my age and also the experience I have accumulated till date, made me less reactive to certain social issues. In last one year, I have experienced two deaths of my close relatives who were globally and mentally, staying far from me. So, I did not find any specific reason to morn over it. People sum it up as my hard-heartedness or arrogance but I do not have the spare time convincing people around. There are very few incidents which are really able to stir my heart; it happens only if a person put some mark on my mind or so. I really can’t pretend my emotion for the society’s sake; it could be named as honesty or the haughtiness. Everyone is free to choose the best possible adjective for defining me; I am very much open to criticisms.
There are incidents which still affect me to greater extent. We all fall in love and face the certain ups and down of every relationship and that obviously takes a toll on us. As I inherit some or the other human qualities, I prefer to give my best effort to any of the relations, it could be the love-relationship or the daughter – parents or the siblings love. Each and every relation needs some amount of energy and time of our life. As we know, time and energy both are precious to us. We share love, or else I can say, we love a person for some certain qualities he/she inherits or portrays. The moments spend with them are unique so it cannot be shared or experienced with anyone else. But, life is not always a cake walk for us, we have to face the loss of some relations, we have to face the pain, the harsh reality, that the person, I used to love the most or who used be the world to me are no more with me. But, they say that life moves on, we really cannot sink into the darkness of negativity that is holding us back to take a step in our life, and there are some people who misinterpret moving on. Moving on doesn’t mean jumping from one relation to the other. The amount of time we spend in one relation, the love we experience for the person and the energy we spend for handling the hard times of any relation, needs to be replenished. Love is such a feeling which you cannot extort out from your mind and from your heart. You need to give yourself certain time to subdue the intense emotion, to pacify your soul and prepare yourself for anything new in your life. I have always bragged about my abilities to predict about certain situations in my closed circuit, one of my close friends, got married in a hurry to a person whom she did not love, that also after few failed relationships. In most of the cases I never divulge my own opinion but I told her to think over the matter. Her response was that she wanted to get married because she could not stay alone and of course, her parents were forcing her to get settled in life. May be after a year or half I met her again few days back, and I was not very surprised to know that she got divorced. At spur of the moment, I could not decide how to I react, should I acclaim myself for predicting her married life accurately or should I be upset for knowing the future of it. I am still in the delirium but after a consistent low feeling I have summarized that there is a pin-pricking in my heart, somewhere, somehow I am sighing for my poor friend.
There is no doubt that time would heal her wounds soon and she would be back to her feet again. I wish this incident would be an eye opener for some parents or some of my fellow friends that society cannot decide the time of marriage but only our hearts. We cannot pester a girl to that extent that she takes the most vital decision of her life in frenzy and spoils her life forever. Marriage is the bonding of two hearts not any business tender which has to be signed on some specific date and my hearty request to those people who feel that it’s good to conform to the situation, to think about the so called society rather than the future of the girl. The society which pressurizes the parents if their daughter is not marrying on time , and the parents who are succumbing to the society’s wish and want to get rid of the burden soon, what would be the reaction of them if their daughter doesn’t become happy in her married life? Who would take that responsibility? It’s my ardent request to all those parents who prioritize the society, over their daughter’s life, please do some soul search, and please open your eyes.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Re-realized..!
Again, one more time, I am tapping at your door, you have no choice but to accept me and I know you will. Is it my love for you which endows me with such immense confidence or is it your love towards me which accepts me regardless of any circumstances? May be I will assume, love is always reciprocal. Presuming this ideology gives me a certain amount of contentment, sometimes inexplicable pleasure.
When my voyage towards my destiny appears to be never-ending, the intelligent mind residing in me reminds me that if the destiny can be achieved so early what will be my purpose remaining of life after that? These moments I feel your need beside me, and to my amusement I never have to search for you as you are always with me. In my pain, in my gain, in my weary days of failures, I never have to search for you. Your presence is the only constant truth of my life and it will always be. My tendency to experiment around never leaves me in peace but gives me the immense pleasure to cherish my life to its brim. May a decade after, when I will find quite a few sliver glitters in my hair strands, I might find myself to be imprudent enough to toy around with my life’s biggest decisions but how helpless I find to restrain my urge to know more , to grow more. My wanderlust provokes me to sail around but when the wind blows against my direction I feel terrified, I question my abilities and I doubt my capabilities to know the proper direction. But as the truth of a sailor’s life, the destination is known to the sailor and no one else, so the wind can blow in any direction, the ship reaches only to the harbor and the fate of the ship is decided by the sailor not the wind. My only grievance to my life is, the lives which are connected to me, experience my failures with me, they get more affected than me, but one cannot change his/her trait. A habit can be changed but not a characteristic. I have learned to accept people the way they are and I expect the same from them. May be time will play its role now. At times life comes to a deadlock and I find no way to escape from that, but how can I ever forget it’s my own life, its controlling thread lies within me, I cannot give it’s charge to anyone else. The day I will do that I will prefer to see an end of my life. For me anyone else taking control of my life gives me nightmares, the idea of it makes me crippled and I prefer death over being crippled and I truly mean it.
This article has come after a long gap, and it is just a warming session before posting few more. So I will leave this article to a decent looking length and would concentrate more on the other essays.
When my voyage towards my destiny appears to be never-ending, the intelligent mind residing in me reminds me that if the destiny can be achieved so early what will be my purpose remaining of life after that? These moments I feel your need beside me, and to my amusement I never have to search for you as you are always with me. In my pain, in my gain, in my weary days of failures, I never have to search for you. Your presence is the only constant truth of my life and it will always be. My tendency to experiment around never leaves me in peace but gives me the immense pleasure to cherish my life to its brim. May a decade after, when I will find quite a few sliver glitters in my hair strands, I might find myself to be imprudent enough to toy around with my life’s biggest decisions but how helpless I find to restrain my urge to know more , to grow more. My wanderlust provokes me to sail around but when the wind blows against my direction I feel terrified, I question my abilities and I doubt my capabilities to know the proper direction. But as the truth of a sailor’s life, the destination is known to the sailor and no one else, so the wind can blow in any direction, the ship reaches only to the harbor and the fate of the ship is decided by the sailor not the wind. My only grievance to my life is, the lives which are connected to me, experience my failures with me, they get more affected than me, but one cannot change his/her trait. A habit can be changed but not a characteristic. I have learned to accept people the way they are and I expect the same from them. May be time will play its role now. At times life comes to a deadlock and I find no way to escape from that, but how can I ever forget it’s my own life, its controlling thread lies within me, I cannot give it’s charge to anyone else. The day I will do that I will prefer to see an end of my life. For me anyone else taking control of my life gives me nightmares, the idea of it makes me crippled and I prefer death over being crippled and I truly mean it.
This article has come after a long gap, and it is just a warming session before posting few more. So I will leave this article to a decent looking length and would concentrate more on the other essays.
Monday, May 3, 2010
A reflection...!
How well I remember, in a moist day of a monsoon I had befriended you. There was a lump growing in my throat, I felt an emergency urge to vomit that out, to get rid of it, my mind was all buzzing with unwelcoming and destructive thoughts, I felt feverish, and fidgety and was sinking in dark, gloomy world. I was sinking in an endless oblivion, stuck in the middle of nowhere. Suddenly, a beam of ray elated my soul, finally I found you, grabbed you. May be I was overjoyed with the first encounter with you; a feeling of awe grasped me totally. The very fresh memory shared with you was the most cherished memory I treasure. You had given recess to a soul who was incapable of facing the world; you have intruded in my life where no one else is allowed to enter. Unconsciously, you have become an intrinsic part of my soul, or should I say, you are my soul, a mere reflection of my soul, where ‘Me’ is visible, an eye, only an insightful eye would be capable of raveling it or maybe I do not greet anyone to enter. When you are with me, I find the essence of life, you transmit strength, which I seek for, you convey the truth of life and I find myself under my control. Be there when I wake up suddenly all sweating after a nightmare, be there when I find myself stuck within the Sargasso sea, be there when the water level rises to the brim and try to choke me to death, be there when I walk in the rain, be there when I free myself to the sky, be there when I will touch the zenith. Hold my hand when I will walk down the stairs of rainbow, take me to your heart when I will search for it. I would be submerged to your soul and will not look back and depart for the ultimate journey of life.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
History Revisited
It’s really been quite a while; I am restraining myself from my lately acquired passion, the very common excuses are “Lack of Time”, busy schedule, hectic life etc etc. We, the writers by passion get the benefit of showing the world that we do lack time as we have got other responsibilities to accomplish but I sympathies the writers by profession, the trouble they face due to the public demands, peer pressure and the pestering publishers. Honestly, there were plenty of ideas swarming in my conscious, unconscious and subconscious mind; in fact I felt the severe urge to pen them down but again got stuck with the worldly requirements, poor ‘me’, ordinary ‘me’, I give excuses like any other living being. Now, at this point, when I have arranged myself for my writing agenda; unexpectedly finding myself in the middle of nowhere battling with my dormant thoughts. Henceforth, decided, not to put the pressure on my pea sized brain and to write randomly.
People often ask me “Why suddenly?” or “how come suddenly you have started with writing? “, sometimes I prefer answering them with my unnatural modesty that I am just judging my competence of writing, sometimes with the help of a smile, which depicts various meaning to the opposite person and I again behave like a wise , diplomatic individual. But here, in my blogs, I have decided to behave honest as well as a fool(for readers clarification, honest people are considered to be fool nowadays), I have decided to speak my mind, open my heart and vent out all my haphazard, weird, uncanny thoughts unto this digital media. Since my school days writing essays related to syllabus used to seem a very easy, natural task to me, apart from scoring decent grades I used write for my school magazines, though not in a very noticeable number but still it used to suffice my petite knowledge and expectation. Should I be thankful about non-electronic media that whatever small amount of contribution I did has no trace as on today’s date, or should I feel disheartened? Neither I nor my parents did keep any track of my childhood skill and with course of time I have forgotten that I too can express myself on paper. But somehow, somewhere it was hibernating, and one fine morning I felt the need to write again, thought that as of my age I have experienced, felt and lived enough to express them in words. The writer in me always felt the need to share my thoughts but few years back I assured myself that I knew really little of life to tell the world that “See everyone, this is how I feel, this is how it feels, and this is how it happens”. Still I fear the same that I know nothing of this world but a part of me knows that I know something which could be worth for someone in real need. If I say, who cares for the publicity? Damn me, who doesn’t? Some people declare it some dies with the unfulfilled wish. I don’t want to be counted amongst the later group but provided that fame should do some real good for the one is need, not only me but benefit of my goodwill should serve some purpose for the society. Some complain about my lengthy essays, but people I feel so helpless, I was good in history and literature. Couple of day’s back I had a dreadful dream that I forgot how to write, that dream made me to write again to clarify myself to me “Yes, it’s still there”. Happy me, feel blessed for some petty reasons in my life which portrays no meaning to others, but who cares, as if I do? The impish grin on some faces would appear and there mind will say “this girl has gone insane, there is a limit to be happy for no reason”, but folks, whatever keep me moving I am with that, whatever keep me rising, whatever keep my spirits high I am ready to cost a fortune for that.
Now, I have decided to do some mercy on my handful of readers and fan followers and put an end for today. A vividly used proverb, “promises are made to be broken”, even I did innumerable times but sharing my thoughts is not performed under any external pressure it is only my mind which reminds me of doing it again, it comes from within. I will be back soon, with the promise,
Love to all
Monday, January 11, 2010
When Life Smiles At You
I secret we met--
I silence I grieve,
That thy heart could forget,
Thy spirit deceive.
If I should meet thee
After long years,
How should I greet thee?
With silence and tears.
by: George Gordon (Lord) Byron (1788-1824)
Truly unaware of the fact that, how long one has to travel to become a complete human being, is completeness is an illusion or a virtual myth, I don’t know. It seems that my chemical composition is changing with the time, precisely; I am a bit enthusiastic about the change is occurring in my grey matter. This journey seems so extended for me but a part of my heart knows that I am enjoying it, I am proud of it. This pride can be named as “Healthy Pride”, a healthy love for me, and I can openly admit that, everything is because of you my love…! The beauty of life is unveiling in front of me and I am merrily cherishing every bit of it.
There was a very critical question, played as a dominant thought in my mind, a stage of self actualization, that, what I exactly want out of my life, who am I? Life as a best teacher of mine, gradually telling me some treasured truth about me and my soul; and I am ready to welcome anything new about myself. Mystery has always wooed me, and I have become a mystery to myself. Certainty makes my life peaceful and at the same time it drags me to an endless monotony, is it a kind of split personality I demonstrate? My experience says that I have always fallen in love with the like minded people, but these people are not the representatives of the so called “Conventional World”. If I have attracted them and vice versa then why am I following this convention? Some people know me as obedient and some as rebel, again a contradiction which provides me with the feed for my thought. There must be a conflict in my character where I segregate myself. In today’s date where I stand does not portray my ideology of life, I am in a way not practicing what I am preaching, but a well said proverb is “Better Late Than Never”. I am Thankful to God that he had showed me the” me” in myself. “If I change I will always change for better”, this is the common phrase I convey to everyone, and my change is constant in me though, now I can entitle myself as a knowledge sucker, each and every part of my soul wants to grow, grow as a person, evolved as person, I can now look back and smile to myself that life has provided with a splendid opportunity to learn the beauty of it.
My love for you has over grown now to fit in my heart. If I say you are the bond between me and Almighty, then I am not wrong. The beaming “you” as a morning glory is still fresh in my mind, you can deceive the whole world but not me; I have seen God within you. But I cannot wish you back in my life, all what I can expect is, be my muse for the whole out of my life as a newly blooming flower.
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