The big sister - you always sacrifice

Though it sounds clichéd but I can see this happening, I can see my elder daughter is sacrificing almost everything for her little sister. Initially I thought that I might be able to give her some time even after my little one was born, but then I found, I was almost carrying her for the whole day and very unwillingly though, neglecting my elder one.

Well, this happened somewhat in this way, may be the experienced one can relate, she was only two years and two months and was very excited to take her little sister in lap, to my surprise I had seen my little daughter to be grown in to an elder sister. But, the very next moment, she was much more interested in playing with her, touching her head, pulling her hair, poking her eyes and nose and also jumping on the bed where the newborn slept. The result - I panicked for the little life, if Chini jumped on her sister and the little one would have been smashed! So, I found myself scolding her, shooing her away to the other room and that’s how it started. My elder daughter with a sad face used to leave the room or at times decided to disobey her mother.

Slowly, she realized that mama, didn’t take her to the lap, mama always carried the little baby and nursed her. The jealousy kicked in, and she became revengeful, which used to come out in the shapes of various tantrums, mostly trying to harm the baby or yelling to be carried at the middle of night. I became puzzled but I tried to squeeze out more time from the new born routine, giving her everyday shower, helping her to be toilet trained, taking her out for a walk, feeding her. But that did not seem to help, because she wanted her mother back, not the part of it. Even the sight of her little sister used to irritate her. Anyways, one night she woke up and started crying and wanted her to be carried and was telling me “give away sister to somebody I want to sleep in your lap”, after hours of negotiation and love and pampering, followed by scolding she went back to sleep. That was the time, I was in India, things got very hectic when I came back to my place.

My younger daughter was very demanding, she slept less, nursed more, almost round the clock (she was more or less the same till fifteen months), so I could afford very little time to my elder child. Apart from her daily routines I could not give her anytime. But the good part was that her father took over after coming back from work. I had to make her sit quietly so that the little one could sleep and I could finish my chores. The poor thing couldn’t even play on her own because one small noise and the little one wakes up. Good time started once she started going to her play school. At least the morning time she could play with her friends and afternoon she could rest.

I miss my days with my elder daughter alone but wonder how I am handling these two together. I miss sleeping with her peacefully and at times admire that how independent she had been. She loves playing on her own, very unlikely to her sibling. She did not get her mother in the first year of her life but she never complained. As soon as she became two she got one competitor, she agitated but coped up. Now apart from snatching things or hitting incidents at times, the big sister protects her baby sister. We see this and our eyes lit up with joy and contentment. We are doing a good job Team. 

When you are pregnant with a toddler

You were my universe, my life used to revolve around you my dear elder daughter before your sister was born. I did not have the slightest idea how could even another soul come in between us and split our bonding. She was my Velcro baby, always clinging to me and used to cry by the sight of any stranger. Let the world fall apart but she always wanted her Mama. So unsure of myself that how could I even love another tiny human being as equally as you. There were these thoughts in my mind, that I should not be partial to any particular child of mine and I should be fair to each one of them. Most of my days used to pass worrying about how you were going to cope up without me during my hospital stay. I worried and worried and almost broke myself up. But I was fortunate enough to find a good nanny after straight four months of search. Truly I could say that me and my daughter were the blessed ones.

Pregnancy with a toddler is tough if you are alone handling it. I was away from my house and my husband and the parenting load was fully on me. My own house was setup in such a way that it could accommodate another new family member and it was already childproofed because of my elder one. But I was totally in a different setup when with my in- laws’ house and everything had to be prepared before my second child was born. First step was to get a nanny for my daughter which was accomplished. Then I had to get her used to with my daughter so that she could do her job in such an integrity that my daughter wouldn’t feel my absence. That part was easier enough than I thought as my daughter and the nanny became friends very soon.

Next step was to detach her from me a little bit in a way that she should not feel the pain of me being away from her and seeing her mother taking care of another tiny human being. Which was expected that my daughter should spend more time with her grandparents than me, in true sense this phase took time but happened somehow. She started spending more time with the nanny and her grandparents. Which means I did whatever I could do to prepare her in advance for the new big event.
Next phase was to give my daughter some idea that there would a new family member who would be tiny and would call her “Didi”. My daughter did not even pay slightest attention whatever I tried to convey her. Well, you cannot plan for everything and this phase was absolutely a surprise for me. I would come to this topic later may be in my next blog.
I had to arrange for a dedicated cook who can prepare meal for everybody in the family. She took care of everyone’s preference in the family and cooked accordingly, which was not at all an easy job. Those who know what a “Bangal” family is then they would know what I am trying to say.
Good part was that my husband was there with me when I was in hospital and my daughter was happy to see her father around and did not have to worry about her when I was away. A mother is anxious being away from her child if she is unsure of the love, affection and attention her child might be getting in her absence. Once that fear is taken care of then she could start a new journey in a free mind. I tried to do whatever was possible for me and I now when I look back and see and don’t have any regret in my mind regarding my effort. This is what I love to do always, the quality of effort I put in to something which would make me feel happy and complete, I am not worried about the result anyway. Rewards would find you in due time.