When you are pregnant with a toddler

You were my universe, my life used to revolve around you my dear elder daughter before your sister was born. I did not have the slightest idea how could even another soul come in between us and split our bonding. She was my Velcro baby, always clinging to me and used to cry by the sight of any stranger. Let the world fall apart but she always wanted her Mama. So unsure of myself that how could I even love another tiny human being as equally as you. There were these thoughts in my mind, that I should not be partial to any particular child of mine and I should be fair to each one of them. Most of my days used to pass worrying about how you were going to cope up without me during my hospital stay. I worried and worried and almost broke myself up. But I was fortunate enough to find a good nanny after straight four months of search. Truly I could say that me and my daughter were the blessed ones.

Pregnancy with a toddler is tough if you are alone handling it. I was away from my house and my husband and the parenting load was fully on me. My own house was setup in such a way that it could accommodate another new family member and it was already childproofed because of my elder one. But I was totally in a different setup when with my in- laws’ house and everything had to be prepared before my second child was born. First step was to get a nanny for my daughter which was accomplished. Then I had to get her used to with my daughter so that she could do her job in such an integrity that my daughter wouldn’t feel my absence. That part was easier enough than I thought as my daughter and the nanny became friends very soon.

Next step was to detach her from me a little bit in a way that she should not feel the pain of me being away from her and seeing her mother taking care of another tiny human being. Which was expected that my daughter should spend more time with her grandparents than me, in true sense this phase took time but happened somehow. She started spending more time with the nanny and her grandparents. Which means I did whatever I could do to prepare her in advance for the new big event.
Next phase was to give my daughter some idea that there would a new family member who would be tiny and would call her “Didi”. My daughter did not even pay slightest attention whatever I tried to convey her. Well, you cannot plan for everything and this phase was absolutely a surprise for me. I would come to this topic later may be in my next blog.
I had to arrange for a dedicated cook who can prepare meal for everybody in the family. She took care of everyone’s preference in the family and cooked accordingly, which was not at all an easy job. Those who know what a “Bangal” family is then they would know what I am trying to say.
Good part was that my husband was there with me when I was in hospital and my daughter was happy to see her father around and did not have to worry about her when I was away. A mother is anxious being away from her child if she is unsure of the love, affection and attention her child might be getting in her absence. Once that fear is taken care of then she could start a new journey in a free mind. I tried to do whatever was possible for me and I now when I look back and see and don’t have any regret in my mind regarding my effort. This is what I love to do always, the quality of effort I put in to something which would make me feel happy and complete, I am not worried about the result anyway. Rewards would find you in due time. 

Looking Back -The Infancy

       Not sure if motherhood have chosen me or I have chosen it, but I must admit that I was sure not ready for the roughness of it. In my life I have never been calculative and I choose not to be the one , rather I take life as it comes. It doesn't mean I don't plan, but most of the times the plan doesn't cover all the corners. I had made myself ready about the structural changes as in, moving house, preparing the nursery, buying necessities for the arriving baby but it is so much more than that. To my surprise , I did not recognize myself after delivering my first child. It was so overwhelming, life changing, distressing . Its not that you start sacrificing when you become a mother , you just give everything to the little one who is so helpless in this big bad world. My elder daughter is born in Dubai and I could not fathom the amount of help I might require soon after the delivery. I got somebody from India but that's not enough. My husband knows very little about a baby and was very scared to even hold her for the first time and I couldn't realize I would become so incapable of even standing after the childbirth. Anyways, me on my bed, the newborn in my arms , always crying for milk ,the endless demand of motherhood, I felt so shattered !!
       That time itself , not even recovered from my postpartum , I decided and gave myself a target , if at all I become a mother second time I will not let this mess happen and I did not let that happen to my second born. At the cost of me being away from my home and my husband I went to my hometown and my younger one was born there.
       Learning is a process and you learn throughout your lifetime and this time I have learned how to voice my own understanding and my opinion. I did not entertain any unsolicited advice from anyone else but from my doctor and my experience of the last pregnancy. Me , writing this blog is just to sum up my experiences and learning. I know, there are plenty , I will say innumerable sites campaigning good parenting styles and the do's and don'ts of the mothering but this article is not a solution for motherhood but my perspective on parenting, which is heartfelt and which is not written under any kind of pressure or to meet the deadline but to express my heart. I am trying to follow a pattern as I write because it gives me a kind of completeness. Whatever I have understood so far I will pen down and it will grow as I grow with it. Hope that made some sense.


Lactation - Let you be the judge

        When you become a mother , soon you will see various lactation consultant emerging from every corner of the world. My first job was to tell them, "Look boss, it's my body and my baby and let me decide how much I nurse and how much she is full. "Trust me this worked. A very crucial point here is the urine and stool should be regular and here I would like to thank my father for pointing out this fact. If you see any irregularity in these two areas try giving some top feed or call the doctor. But I will say trust your instincts, that is very very important.

Taking Care of Yourself-

Soon, you become a mother you will find the pointer of interest moves towards the baby , and the mother, the primary caregiver of the baby becomes neglected. Remember, you are the main food source for the baby and everything else. Please take care of your self. Take good shower. Give time to heal your stitches , eat and sleep. I hired a Nanny and a cook to take care of me and my newborn. For those, it's not possible, involve your husband for holding the baby while you sleep, shower or eat. Eat easily digestible food, healthy and nutritious. If somebody helps you in the cooking that would be great or else ask your partner.


Household Chores -

Ask for help with no shame. In India you can hire help, but people who are outside of our country please hire part time help and take help of your partner. Being a mother takes a toll on your mental and physical health so don't try and act like a superhuman. And few things you need to ignore. But , let me tell you , with newborn there is less mess, wait until the baby becomes a toddler. You will not be able to sit in one place. These infant days are bliss.

Your Body-

Your body changes and you need to accept that. There are some people blessed with smaller frame their belly comes back to normal shape within few weeks of delivery. That did not happen to me. First time I fretted but next time I slowed down. I ate well, nursed well to my baby and gradually when she became a year old I changed my food pattern which helped me to shed the baby fat.

Regarding Help -

In my case I did not have my mother so I asked one of our relatives to help me out in my first pregnancy. Which did not turn out so well. If possible please do not take your mother in laws help, they don't quite like their own baby to take care of his wife and the baby , hope you understood what I am trying to convey. If possible take paid help. That is much more less intrusive and professional and ofcouse you have less expectation.

Mental Health -

Another key and important note, apart from taking care of your physical health, take very good care of your mental health. Please plan yourself ahead so that you have less hassles when the baby arrives. Avoid unsolicited advice, take help, sleep and eat well. It's not easy to say but above all the points directs you towards a good mental state.

Above all, please new mothers trust your instincts , when I did not I messed up, when I did , I aced it.
It's your baby and you know the best. You may not be perfect but you learn. Try to share a loving relation with your husband/partner. Do not entertain any invasion, I mean literally any ! For raising a child you need your partner to be involved, if he can't due to time constraint hire help. Maintaining your sanity is important when raising a happy, healthy and secure child.

P.S : This article is purely based on whatever I have learned so far, no intention to hurt anyone or anything.