The big sister - you always sacrifice

Though it sounds clichéd but I can see this happening, I can see my elder daughter is sacrificing almost everything for her little sister. Initially I thought that I might be able to give her some time even after my little one was born, but then I found, I was almost carrying her for the whole day and very unwillingly though, neglecting my elder one.

Well, this happened somewhat in this way, may be the experienced one can relate, she was only two years and two months and was very excited to take her little sister in lap, to my surprise I had seen my little daughter to be grown in to an elder sister. But, the very next moment, she was much more interested in playing with her, touching her head, pulling her hair, poking her eyes and nose and also jumping on the bed where the newborn slept. The result - I panicked for the little life, if Chini jumped on her sister and the little one would have been smashed! So, I found myself scolding her, shooing her away to the other room and that’s how it started. My elder daughter with a sad face used to leave the room or at times decided to disobey her mother.

Slowly, she realized that mama, didn’t take her to the lap, mama always carried the little baby and nursed her. The jealousy kicked in, and she became revengeful, which used to come out in the shapes of various tantrums, mostly trying to harm the baby or yelling to be carried at the middle of night. I became puzzled but I tried to squeeze out more time from the new born routine, giving her everyday shower, helping her to be toilet trained, taking her out for a walk, feeding her. But that did not seem to help, because she wanted her mother back, not the part of it. Even the sight of her little sister used to irritate her. Anyways, one night she woke up and started crying and wanted her to be carried and was telling me “give away sister to somebody I want to sleep in your lap”, after hours of negotiation and love and pampering, followed by scolding she went back to sleep. That was the time, I was in India, things got very hectic when I came back to my place.

My younger daughter was very demanding, she slept less, nursed more, almost round the clock (she was more or less the same till fifteen months), so I could afford very little time to my elder child. Apart from her daily routines I could not give her anytime. But the good part was that her father took over after coming back from work. I had to make her sit quietly so that the little one could sleep and I could finish my chores. The poor thing couldn’t even play on her own because one small noise and the little one wakes up. Good time started once she started going to her play school. At least the morning time she could play with her friends and afternoon she could rest.

I miss my days with my elder daughter alone but wonder how I am handling these two together. I miss sleeping with her peacefully and at times admire that how independent she had been. She loves playing on her own, very unlikely to her sibling. She did not get her mother in the first year of her life but she never complained. As soon as she became two she got one competitor, she agitated but coped up. Now apart from snatching things or hitting incidents at times, the big sister protects her baby sister. We see this and our eyes lit up with joy and contentment. We are doing a good job Team. 

When you are pregnant with a toddler

You were my universe, my life used to revolve around you my dear elder daughter before your sister was born. I did not have the slightest idea how could even another soul come in between us and split our bonding. She was my Velcro baby, always clinging to me and used to cry by the sight of any stranger. Let the world fall apart but she always wanted her Mama. So unsure of myself that how could I even love another tiny human being as equally as you. There were these thoughts in my mind, that I should not be partial to any particular child of mine and I should be fair to each one of them. Most of my days used to pass worrying about how you were going to cope up without me during my hospital stay. I worried and worried and almost broke myself up. But I was fortunate enough to find a good nanny after straight four months of search. Truly I could say that me and my daughter were the blessed ones.

Pregnancy with a toddler is tough if you are alone handling it. I was away from my house and my husband and the parenting load was fully on me. My own house was setup in such a way that it could accommodate another new family member and it was already childproofed because of my elder one. But I was totally in a different setup when with my in- laws’ house and everything had to be prepared before my second child was born. First step was to get a nanny for my daughter which was accomplished. Then I had to get her used to with my daughter so that she could do her job in such an integrity that my daughter wouldn’t feel my absence. That part was easier enough than I thought as my daughter and the nanny became friends very soon.

Next step was to detach her from me a little bit in a way that she should not feel the pain of me being away from her and seeing her mother taking care of another tiny human being. Which was expected that my daughter should spend more time with her grandparents than me, in true sense this phase took time but happened somehow. She started spending more time with the nanny and her grandparents. Which means I did whatever I could do to prepare her in advance for the new big event.
Next phase was to give my daughter some idea that there would a new family member who would be tiny and would call her “Didi”. My daughter did not even pay slightest attention whatever I tried to convey her. Well, you cannot plan for everything and this phase was absolutely a surprise for me. I would come to this topic later may be in my next blog.
I had to arrange for a dedicated cook who can prepare meal for everybody in the family. She took care of everyone’s preference in the family and cooked accordingly, which was not at all an easy job. Those who know what a “Bangal” family is then they would know what I am trying to say.
Good part was that my husband was there with me when I was in hospital and my daughter was happy to see her father around and did not have to worry about her when I was away. A mother is anxious being away from her child if she is unsure of the love, affection and attention her child might be getting in her absence. Once that fear is taken care of then she could start a new journey in a free mind. I tried to do whatever was possible for me and I now when I look back and see and don’t have any regret in my mind regarding my effort. This is what I love to do always, the quality of effort I put in to something which would make me feel happy and complete, I am not worried about the result anyway. Rewards would find you in due time. 

Looking Back -The Infancy

       Not sure if motherhood have chosen me or I have chosen it, but I must admit that I was sure not ready for the roughness of it. In my life I have never been calculative and I choose not to be the one , rather I take life as it comes. It doesn't mean I don't plan, but most of the times the plan doesn't cover all the corners. I had made myself ready about the structural changes as in, moving house, preparing the nursery, buying necessities for the arriving baby but it is so much more than that. To my surprise , I did not recognize myself after delivering my first child. It was so overwhelming, life changing, distressing . Its not that you start sacrificing when you become a mother , you just give everything to the little one who is so helpless in this big bad world. My elder daughter is born in Dubai and I could not fathom the amount of help I might require soon after the delivery. I got somebody from India but that's not enough. My husband knows very little about a baby and was very scared to even hold her for the first time and I couldn't realize I would become so incapable of even standing after the childbirth. Anyways, me on my bed, the newborn in my arms , always crying for milk ,the endless demand of motherhood, I felt so shattered !!
       That time itself , not even recovered from my postpartum , I decided and gave myself a target , if at all I become a mother second time I will not let this mess happen and I did not let that happen to my second born. At the cost of me being away from my home and my husband I went to my hometown and my younger one was born there.
       Learning is a process and you learn throughout your lifetime and this time I have learned how to voice my own understanding and my opinion. I did not entertain any unsolicited advice from anyone else but from my doctor and my experience of the last pregnancy. Me , writing this blog is just to sum up my experiences and learning. I know, there are plenty , I will say innumerable sites campaigning good parenting styles and the do's and don'ts of the mothering but this article is not a solution for motherhood but my perspective on parenting, which is heartfelt and which is not written under any kind of pressure or to meet the deadline but to express my heart. I am trying to follow a pattern as I write because it gives me a kind of completeness. Whatever I have understood so far I will pen down and it will grow as I grow with it. Hope that made some sense.


Lactation - Let you be the judge

        When you become a mother , soon you will see various lactation consultant emerging from every corner of the world. My first job was to tell them, "Look boss, it's my body and my baby and let me decide how much I nurse and how much she is full. "Trust me this worked. A very crucial point here is the urine and stool should be regular and here I would like to thank my father for pointing out this fact. If you see any irregularity in these two areas try giving some top feed or call the doctor. But I will say trust your instincts, that is very very important.

Taking Care of Yourself-

Soon, you become a mother you will find the pointer of interest moves towards the baby , and the mother, the primary caregiver of the baby becomes neglected. Remember, you are the main food source for the baby and everything else. Please take care of your self. Take good shower. Give time to heal your stitches , eat and sleep. I hired a Nanny and a cook to take care of me and my newborn. For those, it's not possible, involve your husband for holding the baby while you sleep, shower or eat. Eat easily digestible food, healthy and nutritious. If somebody helps you in the cooking that would be great or else ask your partner.


Household Chores -

Ask for help with no shame. In India you can hire help, but people who are outside of our country please hire part time help and take help of your partner. Being a mother takes a toll on your mental and physical health so don't try and act like a superhuman. And few things you need to ignore. But , let me tell you , with newborn there is less mess, wait until the baby becomes a toddler. You will not be able to sit in one place. These infant days are bliss.

Your Body-

Your body changes and you need to accept that. There are some people blessed with smaller frame their belly comes back to normal shape within few weeks of delivery. That did not happen to me. First time I fretted but next time I slowed down. I ate well, nursed well to my baby and gradually when she became a year old I changed my food pattern which helped me to shed the baby fat.

Regarding Help -

In my case I did not have my mother so I asked one of our relatives to help me out in my first pregnancy. Which did not turn out so well. If possible please do not take your mother in laws help, they don't quite like their own baby to take care of his wife and the baby , hope you understood what I am trying to convey. If possible take paid help. That is much more less intrusive and professional and ofcouse you have less expectation.

Mental Health -

Another key and important note, apart from taking care of your physical health, take very good care of your mental health. Please plan yourself ahead so that you have less hassles when the baby arrives. Avoid unsolicited advice, take help, sleep and eat well. It's not easy to say but above all the points directs you towards a good mental state.

Above all, please new mothers trust your instincts , when I did not I messed up, when I did , I aced it.
It's your baby and you know the best. You may not be perfect but you learn. Try to share a loving relation with your husband/partner. Do not entertain any invasion, I mean literally any ! For raising a child you need your partner to be involved, if he can't due to time constraint hire help. Maintaining your sanity is important when raising a happy, healthy and secure child.

P.S : This article is purely based on whatever I have learned so far, no intention to hurt anyone or anything.